How My "Control Freak" Was Born.

Do you feel like you're in a twilight zone some days, wondering, am I in a movie or a dream? Like what the heck is going on!

If this is you, I am there with you. If not, maybe something else is surfacing up for you, or you are rocking and rolling as usual. Regardless of how you are feeling about things these days, it perfectly fine. We all process things differently. 

Last week, my husband and I went to the Carolinas and then Seaside, Florida, for a few days. It was nice to get out and do something different after being closed off for the past few months except for zoom meetings and phone calls. 

I did a deep dive and realized how much I miss the interaction of others. And how as a kid, I felt very alone, although I came from a big family of four siblings. 

I also felt somewhat abandoned, which looked very different from the outside looking in for others. It would have seemed I had it going on, a family of all girls (automatic friends) and cool parents who didn't divorce. One may think that it's a recipe for feeling safe. While I did feel safe in many areas, there was a part of me that didn't feel it completely. If fact, I felt scared. 

My parents had me when they were close to forty, and during that time, they were busy running a business and had a rocking social life. I was with a sitter most of my early childhood. Not a very loving one either. I was petrified of the environment and hated going; however, I didn't have a voice to express it at the time. So my parents didn't know this until many years later. 

The story that I told myself as a little girl was I wasn't deserving of a safe environment, and part of me shut down. I became shy and didn't express myself because it didn't feel safe. Getting too close to specific individuals' didn't feel safe either. 

Later in life, I did everything in my capability to control my surroundings to feel safe, which meant sometimes excluding others to make sure no one would control me. I also adapted by making sure I managed most situations so I could have a sense of safety. 

Guess what was born? Yep, the control freak! 

If the word "control freak" triggers you - awesome. It might be an excellent opportunity to dig deeper to get some truth. 

Some good things came out of it, though. I was a badass leader in my career, and any project I touched, I make sure it was successful. I kicked ass, and it was fun! However, eventually, it became lonely. And ultimately, I wasn't always leading with my heart. If I desired to control, I feared on some level. 

The loneliness was a bread crumb for me to dig deeper. It felt painful, and I wanted to feel peace. The uncomfortable feeling prompted me to explore deeper, which I believe was a nudge from God to do some healing. 

Over the past several years, I have come to love and understand that part of me. And by doing so, that part of myself comes out less, and I'm able to navigate things quickly when a trigger pops up for me to control things. 
I don't judge it. I seek more understanding to process it. 

Taking the time to sort things out allows us to reconnect with the things that matter most with more clarity. When we connect to ourselves first, we relate to others better. 

When you shed the snakeskin to get back to Yourself, your life will change. The walls that we put up come down, and we're able to connect to feel alive again with peace and flow. And deeper connections with others! More importantly a deeper connection with ourselves.

​Francine