Feel Your Stuff

There was a time when the word skinny triggered me. For many people, that probably sounds weird. I get it. However, as a kid, I related to being skinny as being unhealthy and unattractive.

My first few encounters concerning what I looked like weren't so positive. While the comments I received about my body were likely not meant to be harmful, I created a belief system that didn't support a healthy image.

As a young kid who had a small frame and was tall for my age with a fast metabolism, I often got asked, "do you ever eat?" Or "you look like a toothpick." As a six-year-old, I computed it as something must be wrong with me.

Once I created that belief, things began stacking to validate my illusion that something was wrong with being a thin girl.

One of my earliest memories was at dancing school around seven years old.

I remember a full wall mirror in the room and noticing that everybody's legs looked different than mine. I saw healthy legs on everyone else, and for myself, I saw bird legs. It was one of my first memories of comparison.

I dreaded going to dance class and seeing a reflection of myself in a giant mirror. It was a reminder of what I viewed in myself as flawed and damaged. I presumed everyone else looked with judgment, and I had moments of feeling ugly.

Not fun!

Something must be wrong with me.

Most of the judgment going on was within, self-judgment.

Even though my body type was socially acceptable, and all the magazines' models at the time represented a smaller frame, my young mind had already created a belief behind what I thought it meant.

I can't tell you how many times I would pray to God, asking to gain weight.

Beach time was the worse, especially when I hit those teenage years. I was tall without any curves. And no boobs! I thought not only am I'm flawed, now I have to highlight it in a frickin bathing suit.

I would down a few hamburgers right before our beach vacation, hoping I would somehow magically have more meat on my body to look more proportional.

Silly, I know!

Fortunately, I moved past most of my body insecurities as I got older. Having a family of my own, a career, and a few accomplishments under my belt, helped shift my focus, and my confidence grew in other areas of my life.

However, thinking back, there were times when I wore loose clothes, so people didn't notice my thin frame. I covered it up.

Oh, and during my pregnancies, I didn't hate the weight gain with my three sons. Finally, I have curves!

Funny, we often want what we don't have.

Once I got close to hitting the big 50, like many women, my body changed, and weight gain was no longer an issue for me.

While I once thought I no longer had body insecurities issues, I gradually started noticing myself judging my weight gain, which triggered something.

It prompt me to realize I didn't love all parts of myself completely.
Yikes!
Is it okay to look in the mirror and want to tweak something? Of course, there is nothing wrong with wanting to improve, but it doesn't hurt to take inventory of your internal dialogue before making a change.

After observing my self-talk, it was evident what needed adjusting the most.

I thought, if I'm projecting self-love but judging those parts of myself, there is still work to do.

The little girl that felt unseen because of her size was still wounded, which meant I needed to love her (me) unconditionally regardless of my size, irrespective of my vessel.

By changing my beliefs, I accept all parts of myself. Not only accepting all parts but love them fully!

Flawed parts, imperfect parts, parts that hurt at times, my stomach that isn't flat, my grey hair that I got at 22 ( thanks, mom!), and my scar on my knee that I've had since I was 11 years from an accident at a water park. Yep, all parts!

Instead of accepting the vessel, God gives us, many of us reject it and wish it looked different.

When you love yourself fully, the mirror will reflect the truth. You are beautiful just as you are, not only for a season in life but forever!
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The magic about self-love is when we practice it; everything else quickly falls into place. 
All love.
Francine xo